


I Can't Lie

by lalarandoms



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Heartache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 18:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6868591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalarandoms/pseuds/lalarandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Olivia Benson meets Dr. Peter Lindstrom for her regular session, and unwilling admits her fears and her heartache.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I can’t lie, you’re on my mind_  
Stuck inside my head  
I wanna feel your heart beat for me instead, yeah  
I just die so much inside  
Now that you’re not there  
I wanna feel your heart beat like yesterday 

Maroon5

It was a chilly, grey Friday afternoon as she strode down the street. She shivered as she spotted the familiar lamp outside the door, anxious to get out of the infamous New York cold.

She pushed open the door and her shoulders seemed to relax on their own, the familiar scent of cinnamon apple filling her nostrils. She stepped inside, the heat enveloping her body and warding off the cold from outside.

She sat down on the burgundy couch, patiently waiting. To pass the time she took out her phone and scrolled through her photos. Most of them were of Noah, but there were a couple that she just couldn’t erase. They were memories she wasn’t ready to let go of, memories of a time when she was happy.

She couldn’t help but pause on each picture, each one breaking her all over again. It had been over a year, and she was in a new relationship, but for some reason, she held on to these pictures.

She heard the sound of a door opening and looked up, watching as a teary-eyed blonde woman walked out, followed by Dr. Lindstrom.

“I’ll see you same time next week, Elizabeth.” He said, standing by the door and watching her as she walked away. He noticed Olivia on the couch and gave her a warm smile. “Hello, Olivia.”

Olivia tucked her phone in her back pocket and stood up, eager for their session to begin. She was unsure how to greet the man who had seen her at her worst in their last session and managed to talk her through it.

“Hi, Dr. Lindstrom.” She replied shyly, returning the smile.

The older gentlemen stepped to the side and held the door open for her. “Please, come in.”

Olivia walked past him into a room that had become very familiar to her in the last few years. She remembered feeling surprised the first time she’d come into Dr. Lindstrom’s office, because he had two chairs instead of the stereotypical couch for the patient to lay down on.

They both sat down, and Dr. Lindstrom immediately gave her an inquisitive look.

“So, Olivia, how have you been?” His voice was probing, but in a comforting way that always made Olivia want to open up to him.

She paused before answering, trying to gather her thoughts before she spoke. “I’ve been good. There’s been a lot of stress at work, but I’m doing fine.” She sighed, knowing if there was anyone she could be honest around, it was Dr. Lindstrom.

“Ah yes, the perks of being a Lieutenant.” Olivia couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of his statement. “Now, tell me about your relationship. How’s that going for you? It’s been a while since we’ve talked about him. What has it been, a few months now?”

“Yes, almost a year.”

Dr. Lindstrom beamed. “Congratulations.” Olivia could tell by the happiness in his voice that he truly meant it.

“Thank you.” She replied. She could tell from the change in Dr. Lindstrom’s expression what was coming next. She looked away from him and to her feet, nervously anticipating what he would say next.

“It doesn’t sound like you’re happy.”

“Ed is a great guy. He’s smart, he’s great with Noah, he’s caring…”

“But?” Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Olivia took a deep breath before meeting his eyes again. “I just don’t know if I love him. I care about him so much, I just…”

Lindstrom didn’t let Olivia finish. “There is no doubt that you care about him. But, do you think that he might be nothing more than a security blanket? With everything that you’ve been through, it’s completely understandable to want someone who will be there to protect you and Noah. It’s not a bad thing, but I can see that only a part of you is with him. You can’t force yourself to be with someone who doesn’t make you truly happy.” Lindstrom looked deeply into the brown eyes that stared back at him, and saw nothing but sadness. “You know who your heart truly belongs to.”

Olivia closed her eyes as memories began to flood back into her. She remembered warm summer nights laying on the rooftop, gazing at the stars above them, not a care in the world. She could feel the soft touch of her arm, and the way their hands fit together perfectly despite the size difference. She remembered the overwhelming anxiety the moment before their lips touched, and how her lips sent chills down her spine where she planted soft kisses on her back.

And then she remembered the fights. The ones that turned into screaming matches, and led to days without speaking; and the ones that led to broken promises and broken trust.

After a moment she opened her eyes, a tear running down her cheek as she did. “When I was with her I was happy. I felt safe, and whole. But when she said those three words,” Another tear ran down her cheek. “I panicked. I was scared, and I pushed her away. I was so cruel, but I had to convince myself that I didn’t love her, that I couldn’t love her. I told myself falling in love just wasn’t something that I could do.”

Lindstrom rested his elbows on his knees, leaning in closer and lowering his voice. “But she is still a part of your life. She never left.”

Olivia felt a lump in her throat as more tears threatened to spill. “But what if I pushed her so far away that I lost her forever?” She whispered.

“Olivia, tell me what you’re afraid of.” Lindstrom asked.

Olivia’s vision blurred as the tears fell freely down her face. “I didn’t want to deal with being gay, and I still don’t know if I can.”


	2. Hard For Me

_After all that we've been through_  
I will make it up to you  
I promise to 

_After all that's been said and done  
You're just a part of me I can't let go_

Chicago

A heartbeat.

 

That was the only thing she could hear; her own heart almost beating out of her chest. Everything else was silent.

 

She desperately grasped for air, her lungs burning from the four flights of stairs she had just run. She strode quickly towards the end of the hall, despite the dull ache in her thighs, the white walls beginning to cave in on her.

She reached the end of the hall and stopped in front of a grey door with a gold-plated 10D on it. Her palms started to sweat and her ears burned like they were on fire, nervous heat radiated through her body. She wasn't just hurt physically from the run, she was also hurting inside. 

 

Her face was calm, but inside she felt like screaming. So many thoughts ran through her head, but the beating of her heart silenced all of them. 

She knocked. 

There was nothing; no sound. She knocked again, louder and harder. 

And then there were footsteps. She felt dizzy as everything around her began to spin. She closed her eyes when she heard soft footsteps approach the door. What the hell am I doing? She asked herself, immediately regretting her decision to come here. She contemplated leaving, but she heard the doorknob turn and knew it was too late.

Fuck.

She was hurting everywhere; especially in her heart. Was this a heart attack? Had she caused it by working herself up? She felt nauseous, her stomach beginning to turn in nervous anticipation of whatever was about to happen. Her nerves went through the roof when she hear the door open. Then came a soft, delicate voice calling her name. God how she missed that. 

 

“Olivia?” Her voice was so soothing, even when she sounded confused.

 

She forced her eyes open and her breath hitched as she was greeted by familiar blue eyes. Those blue fucking eyes that she couldn’t seem to get over.

 

She wanted to clutch her chest, the pain was getting worse. She needed...she didn’t know what she needed. Something, anything, to quell the pain.

 

Air. She needed air.

Without thinking so roughly grabbed the blonde’s face, both hands gripping her cheeks, the fingertips brushing against her ears, and brought her closer until their lips touched. 

 

Her tongue traced Amanda’s bottom lip, and then she bit her bottom lip lightly, asking for permission. She felt the blonde tense up and place her hands on her shoulders, as if to push her off. Much to Olivia’s surprise they slid down her shoulders and landed on her hips, bringing their bodies closer together.

Air. 

 

The blonde granted access, letting Olivia’s tongue slip into her mouth and caress her own. Their kiss was rough and full of passion, a heady mixture of angst and ecstasy.

“I miss you.” She whispered between kisses, the nausea in her stomach turning into butterflies with each passing second. Amanda didn’t respond, but Olivia could feel a smile grow on the blonde’s face.

 

Their tongues moved in fervent unison as their hands explored each others bodies. Every touch sent goosebumps and chills down their bodies.

Olivia frowned when she felt Amanda’s sweet lips pull away, her body almost chilling at the absence of warmth as the blonde’s hands stopped caressing her back.

“Wh—what are you doing here?” Amanda asked, breathing heavily. She stepped back, and it felt as if a million miles separated them again.

Olivia paused, gathering her thoughts and her breath before answering. “I- -I missed you. Too much.” 

Amanda looked down at the ground, crossing her arms across her chest as if to protect her heart. “You have Tucker.” 

Olivia sighed as she shook her head. ”It’s not the same, Amanda. It never has and it never will be.” 

“Don’t do this.” Amanda pled. 

 

Olivia wanted to reach out to the blonde, she imagined grabbing her and bringing her into an embrace, but it was as if a force was stopping her from acting. She felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest, making it difficult to breathe, and tears began to form in her eyes.

 

“It’s--It’s okay at night because you’re in my dreams, but in the morning I have to cope with knowing you’re not there. And that’s when it hurts.”

 

Amanda looked at the teary brown eyes staring at her. She wanted so badly to hold her, but she couldn’t. It was too much. “You have Tucker.” She repeated firmly.

“ Ed—Tucker isn’t you. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not anymore. I can’t pretend to be with someone when I’m in love with someone else. I’m tired of living a lie.” Olivia stepped closer. “My heart belongs to you, and it always has.” 

 

A few tears spilled down Amanda’s cheeks and she shook her head, tightening her grip around her chest. “Stop it.” She tried to sound firm, but her voice came out meek.

“I love you, Amanda.” Olivia confessed as tears ran down her face. 

“It’s not enough.” Amanda wiped her tears and took a deep breath. “I can’t be with you..I can’t commit to you, and then have you pull away again.” 

Olivia reached out to touch Amanda, as she had done so many times before, but the blonde stepped backwards. “You know I won’t. I want you, and only you.”

 

Hurt and mistrust clouded Amanda’s face as she spoke. “You said that last time, when you broke it off with Cassidy. How am I supposed to believe you now?” 

 

Olivia stood in silence, unsure how to answer her question. She knew Amanda was right. She had done this before. She’d dumped Amanda for Brian, then dumped Brian and picked things back up with Amanda, and then dumped her again for Tucker. At the time she hadn’t thought it was as cruel as she knew it was now.

“You don’t know what you want.” Amanda added. 

“I do now.” Olivia pled. 

 

Amanda stepped further into her apartment and placed her hand on the doorknob, turning slightly. She looked back at Olivia, and, somehow, she could see that Olivia was being truthful. But no amount of truth could change the past. She’d been through this with Olivia before, and she never wanted to feel as badly as Olivia had made her feel.

 

Tears ran faster down her face and her body shook. “I don’t know if you’ll ever know how you made me feel when you left, twice. I was so confused and so hurt. I would never wish that on anyone.”

“Please don’t do this.” Olivia stuttered as the tears came down harder. She couldn’t breathe. 

“I’m sorry.” The blonde whispered. 

Amanda stepped into her apartment and closed the door behind her, slamming it in Olivia’s face. She heard loud sobs coming from the other side of her apartment door and it broke her heart. But she had to protect herself; protect her heart from the one person who had broken it more than she thought possible. 

 

She would always be the only person who had her heart, but it wasn’t about her anymore, now she had a daughter to worry about.


End file.
